Life Events
Birth, Coming of Age, Marriage, and Death—Your Way
Every major life event in the Orthodox world comes with religious obligations. But what do these look like when you leave? This chapter offers alternative ways to mark life's milestones.
Birth
In the Orthodox world, the birth of a child triggers a cascade of religious obligations:
For boys:
- Brit Milah (circumcision) on the 8th day
- Pidyon HaBen (redemption of the firstborn) on the 31st day
- Naming in synagogue
For girls:
- Naming in synagogue (far less ceremony)
- In some communities, a Zeved HaBat or Simchat Bat
The gender disparity is immediate—a boy's birth involves more ritual, more celebration, and more community involvement. The arrival of a girl is acknowledged, but with considerably less fanfare.
If you've left: You get to decide how to welcome your child into the world. Some ex-Orthodox parents choose:
- A secular naming ceremony
- A celebration that includes both families
- To skip circumcision entirely
- To create their own meaningful rituals
- To simply celebrate with love, without any religious framing
📜 Sources
Coming of Age
Bar Mitzvah (age 13 for boys) and Bat Mitzvah (age 12 for girls) mark the transition to religious adulthood—the age at which a person becomes obligated in all commandments.
For boys, it's a major event: he's called to the Torah, reads from the scroll, gives a speech (drasha), and is celebrated with a festive meal. For girls in most Orthodox communities, the acknowledgment is minimal—if it exists at all.
The irony: At 12 or 13, a child is considered old enough to take on the full weight of 613 commandments and all rabbinic laws, but not old enough to vote, drive, or make any other significant life decision in the secular world.
Outside Orthodoxy: A coming-of-age celebration can be whatever you want it to be. Many ex-Orthodox families create meaningful ceremonies that celebrate their child's growth without religious obligation.
📜 Sources
Marriage and Death
Marriage: An Orthodox wedding is a legally binding religious ceremony (kiddushin). It includes:
- The ketubah (contract, largely about financial obligations)
- Circling (the bride circles the groom 7 times)
- The chuppah (wedding canopy)
- Breaking of the glass
- Yichud (the couple is secluded together)
Outside Orthodoxy: Get married however you want—civil ceremony, beach wedding, backyard celebration. Or don't get married at all. Your relationship's validity doesn't depend on standing under a chuppah.
Death and Mourning: Jewish mourning practices include:
- Tahara (ritual washing of the body)
- Burial in a simple shroud (tachrichim)
- Shiva (7 days of mourning)
- Kaddish (mourner's prayer, traditionally said by men)
- Shloshim (30-day mourning period)
- Yahrzeit (annual commemoration)
Many people who've left still find comfort in some mourning practices—they can provide structure during grief. Take what serves you and leave the rest.
📜 Sources
🌱 Your Next Steps
- →Think about which traditions (if any) still bring you comfort, and keep those
- →Create new traditions that reflect your actual values
- →Remember: life's milestones are meaningful because YOU give them meaning