Sex
Pleasure, Shame, and Taking Back Your Body
From the prohibition on masturbation to the complex rules around menstruation, Orthodox Judaism has a lot to say about your sex life. This chapter explores what the texts actually say, and helps you develop a healthy relationship with your sexuality.
Masturbation: The 'Worst Sin'
In the frum world, masturbation—especially for men—is treated as one of the most severe sins. The Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 23:1) states it's forbidden to "waste seed" and calls it a sin more severe than any other in the Torah.
The Zohar goes even further, saying that wasting seed is equivalent to murder. The Tanya calls it the worst sin in the Torah. Young boys in yeshiva are terrorized with these teachings.
But here's the reality: masturbation is normal, healthy, and practiced by the vast majority of humans. Medical science confirms it has health benefits and causes no harm. The guilt and shame instilled by these teachings cause far more damage than the act itself ever could.
The obsession with controlling this behavior is about power and shame—tools used to keep people in a constant state of guilt and dependency on religious authority for "forgiveness."
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Sex Rules in Marriage
Even within marriage, sex is heavily regulated in Orthodox Judaism. While the Torah does recognize a wife's right to sexual satisfaction (Onah - Shemos 21:10), the rules surrounding marital sex are extensive:
- Sex is forbidden during and after menstruation (see Niddah section)
- Certain positions may be restricted
- The husband must not think of another woman during intercourse (Nedarim 20b)
- There are "proper" times and frequencies based on the husband's occupation
- Sex on Shabbat is considered meritorious, but with specific conditions
The overall message is that even this most intimate act between partners is subject to rabbinic oversight. Your sex life should be between you and your partner(s), guided by mutual consent, respect, and honest communication—not ancient regulations.
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Menstruation (Niddah)
Perhaps no area better illustrates the control religion exerts over women's bodies than the laws of Niddah (menstrual impurity).
When a woman menstruates, she becomes tamei (ritually impure). She and her husband cannot touch each other—not a handshake, not passing a plate, nothing—for a minimum of 12 days (5 days of bleeding + 7 "clean" days). She must then immerse in a mikvah (ritual bath) before resuming physical contact.
These laws affect every aspect of married life. Couples can't share a bed, can't hand things directly to each other, and live in a state of enforced separation for roughly half of every month.
The psychological impact is real: Women internalize the message that their natural bodily function makes them "impure" and untouchable. This is not holiness—it's shame weaponized as religion.
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🌱 Your Next Steps
- →If you carry sexual shame from your upbringing, consider speaking with a therapist who understands religious trauma
- →Remember: consent and mutual respect are the only 'rules' that matter
- →Your body belongs to you, not to any religious authority