Relationships
Love Beyond the Rules
From the Torah's death penalty for homosexuality to strict matchmaking, Orthodox Judaism has rigid rules about who you can love. This chapter explores what the texts say and affirms your right to love freely.
Homosexuality
The Torah's stance on homosexuality is unambiguous and brutal: "If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death" (Vayikra 20:13).
This isn't a metaphor or a suggestion—it's a death penalty. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 54a) discusses the specifics of this prohibition in graphic detail.
For LGBTQ+ people raised in the frum world, these texts are weapons of psychological warfare. Gay and bisexual men especially carry the weight of knowing their holy books prescribe their execution. Lesbian relationships, while not explicitly addressed with the same severity in the Torah, are prohibited by the Rambam and later authorities.
The reality: Sexual orientation is not a choice. It's not a test from God. It's not something to be "cured" through prayer or conversion therapy. Love is love, and you deserve to experience it fully and openly.
Organizations like Eshel provide support for LGBTQ+ Jews navigating faith and identity.
📜 Sources
Relationships and Marriage
In the Orthodox world, marriage isn't primarily about love—it's about building a Jewish home (Bayit Ne'eman b'Yisrael). The matchmaking system (shidduchim) treats marriage as a transaction:
- Families negotiate before individuals even meet
- Physical attraction is downplayed or considered irrelevant
- The purpose of marriage is procreation ("be fruitful and multiply")
- Interfaith marriage is absolutely forbidden
- Divorce, while technically possible, carries enormous stigma
Outside the bubble, relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) want them to be. They can be:
- Based on genuine love and connection
- With someone of any gender, any background
- Structured however works for the people involved
- About partnership and mutual growth, not obligation
You deserve a relationship where you are seen, valued, and loved for who you actually are.
📜 Sources
🌱 Your Next Steps
- →If you're LGBTQ+, check out organizations like Eshel (eshelonline.org) for support
- →You get to define what a healthy relationship looks like for YOU
- →If you're in a relationship that started through shidduch, it's okay to reevaluate what you want