Children & Parenting

The expectations:

• The Mishnah (Yevamos 6:6) says the minimum obligation is two children (one boy, one girl), but this is treated as a floor, not a ceiling
• Birth control is generally prohibited or heavily restricted—a couple needs a rabbi's permission ("heter") to use it
• Having "only" 2-3 children generates questions and gossip
• Families of 6, 8, 10+ children are celebrated as fulfilling God's will
• A woman's primary role is defined as wife and mother—other aspirations are secondary

The impact on women:

• Pregnancies begin shortly after marriage (often age 18-21) and continue for decades
• Physical toll: back-to-back pregnancies, exhaustion, health complications
• Postpartum depression is common but underdiagnosed and undertreated
• Women who struggle are told to have "bitachon" (trust) that Hashem will provide
• The concept of bodily autonomy—choosing when and whether to have children—is largely absent
• Asking a rabbi for birth control permission is humiliating and infantilizing

The financial impossibility:

• Supporting 6-10 children on a kollel stipend and one income is mathematically impossible
• Families rely on government assistance, community support, and family help
• Children share rooms, clothing, and resources—overcrowding is the norm
• Older children are conscripted into caring for younger ones (parentification)
• The community celebrates large families while ignoring the poverty they create

The children's perspective:

• Individual attention is scarce when you're one of many
• Older children lose their childhoods to caretaking responsibilities
• The message is clear: your parents had you because God commanded it, not necessarily because they were ready or able to support you
• Children are communal assets—proof of the family's religious devotion

The reality in many communities:

• Physical punishment (potching/hitting) has been normalized in many Orthodox homes and schools
• Rebbeim (teachers) in cheder and yeshiva historically used physical punishment—and some still do
• The "potch" (slap) is often dismissed as harmless or even loving discipline
• Stories of severe physical abuse in yeshivas are common in the ex-Orthodox community

What the sources actually say:

• Mishlei 13:24 and 23:13 seem to endorse corporal punishment
• But the Talmud (Makkos 8a-b) sets limits and the Rambam (Hilchos Talmud Torah 2:2) says a teacher should only strike lightly with a small strap—never cruelly
• The Shulchan Aruch prohibits hitting a grown child (Yoreh De'ah 240:20) because it may cause them to strike back
• Modern poskim increasingly discourage physical punishment—but the culture lags behind the rulings

The cover-up of abuse:

• Community pressure to keep problems "in house" silences victims
• Rabbinical authorities have historically discouraged reporting abuse to secular authorities, citing "mesirah" (the prohibition on informing on a Jew to non-Jewish authorities)
• Abusers in positions of power (rebbeim, camp counselors, community leaders) are protected
• Victims are told to forgive, to not make a "chillul Hashem" (desecration of God's name) by going public
• The community's response to abuse scandals has repeatedly prioritized institutional reputation over victims

The long-term effects:

• Children raised with normalized physical punishment are more likely to use it on their own children
• Many ex-Orthodox adults carry physical and emotional scars from childhood punishment
• Trust in authority figures is deeply damaged
• The conflation of love and physical pain creates confusion about healthy relationships

The ideology:

• "Every Jewish child is a victory over Hitler" — a powerful emotional argument that makes family planning feel like betrayal
• The Haredi birth rate (6-7 children per family) is explicitly framed as both religious duty and historical reparation
• Children are the community's investment in the future—every child is a potential Torah scholar, a link in the chain
• Demographic concerns ("the Jewish people are shrinking!") are used to pressure women into continuous childbearing

What this means for the children:

• Their identity is communal before it is personal
• Their purpose is pre-assigned: boys will learn Torah, girls will marry and have children
• Deviation from the prescribed path is treated as a communal tragedy, not a personal choice
• "Going off the derech" isn't just a personal decision—it's framed as a loss for the entire Jewish people

The educational pipeline:

• From age 3, children enter the system: cheder, yeshiva ketana, yeshiva gedolah, kollel
• Girls: Bais Yaakov, seminary, marriage, motherhood
• There are almost no exit ramps—the path is pre-determined
• Children who don't fit the mold (learning disabilities, different interests, LGBTQ+ identities) are treated as problems to be fixed

When parents leave:

• Custody battles are brutal—the frum parent argues that exposing children to a non-religious environment is harmful
• Courts have sometimes sided with the religious parent, restricting the OTD parent's ability to share their new lifestyle
• Children become battlegrounds for the community's values vs. the parent's freedom
• Extended family may attempt to "rescue" the children by maintaining their religious education against the parent's wishes